I've been thinking about my situation for a long time now, swinging between feeling trapped, guilty and like a failure in almost every level of my life. The guilt and failure mindset was a bit of insanity crafted by the enemy to make me think I was failing God because I wasn't out there ministering to people and leading them to Christ because I was stuck at home. But then I felt guilty and like I was failing as a Mother as well. No wonder I've been battling depression and fatigue type issues lately. The Bible says that a double minded man is unstable in all his ways.
I have been praying about it and asking that God help me to be who He created me to be and to be content where He has placed me. I had no motivation to take care of my house, I'd try to slip out of cooking as often as I could (which for this time isn't so wise for us financially) and I really started just trying to get through my days instead of making the most of them.
God has been faithfully ministering to me over the past few month and gradually leading me back into relationship with Him. First I attended the For My Life class again at Be in Health where we live and that blessed my socks off, He really used those teachings to root out some deep issues that I had no idea I was still holding on to or that I had even allowed back into my life. Then through the following weeks as I've been walking out what I learned He has been showing me more and more things that have been separating me from Him, others and even myself. (I think I will write a separate post about one of those key revelations).
I think a real turning point to the issue of motherhood that I had previously mentioned was when a friend of mine who herself is a mother of four kids called me on Monday and asked me if she could come over and help me clean my house. At first I thought "She needn't trouble herself I can clean it myself... eventually." and then I thought "Having someone around will definitely motivate me to get things done, maybe this could be fun." So I agreed. She came over with a bucket of her own cleaning supplies and showed me how to clean quickly and effectively to make normally mundane chores a lot more bearable and doable. That in its self was such a blessing to me because everything in my house was starting to look so overwhelming and undoable especially with an eleven month old at my heals. She ended up staying long after we finished cleaning and I began to tell her of the issues I was having especially as a mother. She began to encourage me telling me of how important a mother is and the kind of ministry that God has given us not only to our families but to the friends and families of our children and to our fellow mothers. She reminded me that to bring up Godly children is a super important investment into God's kingdom and into the world around us.
Since then I have been meditating on and reflecting on what we talked about and just today I came up with an interesting revelation of my own (well not entirely of my own, I'm pretty sure it was Holy Spirit inspired). I realized that as a Mother I am almost entirely employed by God! I mean when you think about it He was the one who blessed us with and entrusted us with this child (and hopefully more children later). I don't have human employer although God has given me a pretty amazing partner (my husband, John). But I am accountable to God as to how I raise my children and how I interact with and bless the people He brings into my life. All of a sudden my life became a ministry opportunity, I realized that I don't have to work at a said "ministry" office in order to be useful to Him. I feel inspired and honestly although I loved my daughter big time through all of this battle, there is a new and deeper love and value for her in my heart now than before and I'm so excited to see the fruit of it. I now feel like I have a hope and a vision for our future, something to work towards. The Word says, Hope deferred makes the heart sick but when the desire cometh, it is a tree of life.
I definitely have the best employer that ever existed and I am so excited to participate with Him and His plans for me and the world. With Him all things are possible therefore the possibilities for my life and my family's life are limitless!