That night I was a pouty, sobby mess and I just didn't know how to express what I was feeling. Finally my husband suggested I just say whatever I was thinking even if I thought it might not be right or might hurt him. So I did, and a rush of bottled up emotions and frustrations spilled out. I had no idea that I had been stuffing so much! The problem was that I was getting more and more stirred up and although I was able to voice my thoughts I was definitely not getting my peace back.
Finally after I had given up trying to figure it out and was about ready to roll over and go to sleep he asked me if I was afraid of making mistakes and saying or doing the wrong thing. This isn't the first time he's asked me that but this time it really hit home, hard! It really made me tweak out because I really had no idea how to function without holding myself back and analyzing every word or move I made whether it was right or not. I was actually scared to death of being genuine and of even trusting my husband enough that he could let me just be me and be honest about where I was at.
Well the past few days have certainly been an interesting walkout. I've realized in practicing to voice what I'm thinking instead of bottling it up when something happens that angers me or frustrates me that the issues don't get a chance to build up anymore and become such a big deal. So instead of trying to figure out one large mass of jumbled emotions we get to figure out each one individually as it comes up. It's been really freeing for me and I've been a lot more emotionally sound lately. And believe it or not trust in my husband has grown substantially also, it's actually really helped our relationship.
Please don't get me wrong, I don't believe in defiling someone in a fit of anger because that's what I'm feeling at that moment. What I am talking about is telling him when he does something or something happens that frustrates me instead of holding onto it and letting bitterness fester and bubble over.